Notice I did not say the fastest way to find Mr. Right, but the best way.  Now, I have been divorced twice, so you may not want to take advice from me.  I will say that I have learned a lot from the mistakes I’ve made.  And I learned something very valuable after two failed marriages.

When I tell people I am on my third marriage, he tells me, “No, this is your last marriage.”  I have definitely become successful at marriage, and I want to share my secret for finding Mr. Right.  (What you do once you find him is on you.)

I was a single mother with four children and, although I was not bitter about marriage, I simply was not interested anymore.  I idealized marriage and was not able to make it work.  I had been thinking about the fact that men didn’t treat me well.  I was attractive, intelligent, kind, and industrious, yet I kept attracting men who used me for a door mat… and frequently a meal ticket.

It occurred to me that I was going to stop waiting for a man to do nice things for me, and I would just do them for myself.  In particular, I really wished that a man would bring me flowers, but they never did.  So one day when I was doing my grocery shopping, I purchased a bouquet of flowers.  I took them home, cut them, and put them in a vase that I dug out from the cabinet under my kitchen sink.  I put them on the kitchen table and stood there looking at them for a long time.  Although I don’t even remember what kind of flowers they were, I remember the feeling I got seeing them on my table and smelling their perfume on the air.

This was the first step.  I began doing nice things for myself on a regular basis.  I went to nice restaurants.  I bought myself a silver bangle for my birthday.  It had a heart cut out on the inside of the bracelet (where no one else can see it), that reminds me to love myself.  All these little things added up to a huge change in the way I carried myself and in what I would now expect from a potential partner.

I began dating after I felt whole, and one of the first serious relationships I got into showed me how far I had come.  He had me flown to where he lived and he was waiting in the airport with a dozen roses!  Although I chose not to continue that relationship, I was being given affirmation that I deserved this kind of treatment.  Incidentally, the fact that I could end a relationship with someone who was good to me, not because I didn’t feel worthy, but because I now knew exactly what I wanted in a relationship was amazing in itself.

Then I met my current last husband.  If I had met him only a few years before, I would never have considered dating him because I would have felt he was out of my league.  I am grateful I found him after I found my own self worth.  He opens doors for me, brings me gifts (often when I least expect it), teaches me new things, and gives me permission (not that I need it anymore) to take care of myself.  He believes in me, builds me up, and is strong for me when I can’t be strong for myself.

So if you are looking for Mr. Right (or Ms. Right), the best way to find him (or her) is to stop looking, and treat yourself the way you want to be treated.  Then he will come looking for you.