Not Too Shabby

Sometime today it dawned on me that I had broken my agreement to post every day this year. I did not post yesterday and didn’t even think about it. I thought this was strange since my blogging has become so habitual.

At first I was angry with myself for breaking my agreement. Then I remembered, I keep agreements to expand myself not to punish myself. Then I counted to see how many days in a row I had posted. I actually started a couple of days before the new year began, so I had a total of 213 posts in a row.

So the conversation has been going back and forth in my head periodically throughout the day.

“I can’t believe I didn’t even think about it!”

“It’s not the end of the world.”

“No matter what I do now, I can’t complete the agreement to post every day this year.”

“It’s not about perfection. It’s about pushing yourself.”

Then, as I observe the voices in my head, I laugh at how funny it all is. Me, arguing with myself… and all over something that is already done.

So now I am recommitting to my agreement to post every day for the rest of the year, accepting my imperfect record, and eager to see if I can complete the last 5 months of this year without missing a day. (If I was really interested in punishing myself, I would start all over again. Not happening!)

I am just going to keep reminding myself, 213 posts in a row… not too shabby.

Simple Things

Simple Things

I happened to pass these flowers today, and went back to capture them. I have always loved flowers and I now realize that they are everywhere… even in places I would not expect them. These were just outside the restaurant where I had dinner with my children tonight. I am grateful that I have learned to notice things around me that may seem inconsequential in the moment. These simple things make my life so much richer.

The Best Way to Find Mr. Right

Notice I did not say the fastest way to find Mr. Right, but the best way.  Now, I have been divorced twice, so you may not want to take advice from me.  I will say that I have learned a lot from the mistakes I’ve made.  And I learned something very valuable after two failed marriages.

When I tell people I am on my third marriage, he tells me, “No, this is your last marriage.”  I have definitely become successful at marriage, and I want to share my secret for finding Mr. Right.  (What you do once you find him is on you.)

I was a single mother with four children and, although I was not bitter about marriage, I simply was not interested anymore.  I idealized marriage and was not able to make it work.  I had been thinking about the fact that men didn’t treat me well.  I was attractive, intelligent, kind, and industrious, yet I kept attracting men who used me for a door mat… and frequently a meal ticket.

It occurred to me that I was going to stop waiting for a man to do nice things for me, and I would just do them for myself.  In particular, I really wished that a man would bring me flowers, but they never did.  So one day when I was doing my grocery shopping, I purchased a bouquet of flowers.  I took them home, cut them, and put them in a vase that I dug out from the cabinet under my kitchen sink.  I put them on the kitchen table and stood there looking at them for a long time.  Although I don’t even remember what kind of flowers they were, I remember the feeling I got seeing them on my table and smelling their perfume on the air.

This was the first step.  I began doing nice things for myself on a regular basis.  I went to nice restaurants.  I bought myself a silver bangle for my birthday.  It had a heart cut out on the inside of the bracelet (where no one else can see it), that reminds me to love myself.  All these little things added up to a huge change in the way I carried myself and in what I would now expect from a potential partner.

I began dating after I felt whole, and one of the first serious relationships I got into showed me how far I had come.  He had me flown to where he lived and he was waiting in the airport with a dozen roses!  Although I chose not to continue that relationship, I was being given affirmation that I deserved this kind of treatment.  Incidentally, the fact that I could end a relationship with someone who was good to me, not because I didn’t feel worthy, but because I now knew exactly what I wanted in a relationship was amazing in itself.

Then I met my current last husband.  If I had met him only a few years before, I would never have considered dating him because I would have felt he was out of my league.  I am grateful I found him after I found my own self worth.  He opens doors for me, brings me gifts (often when I least expect it), teaches me new things, and gives me permission (not that I need it anymore) to take care of myself.  He believes in me, builds me up, and is strong for me when I can’t be strong for myself.

So if you are looking for Mr. Right (or Ms. Right), the best way to find him (or her) is to stop looking, and treat yourself the way you want to be treated.  Then he will come looking for you.

Just as a blade of grass…

Just as a blade of grass will push through a crack in the cement, growing toward the light, we too are being pulled toward a fuller expression of ourselves.
~Mary Morrissey

When I am discontent, I know I am being urged to expand myself.  If I seek light, the Universe pulls me toward my ideal self.  I am more than I ever dreamed I could be, and so are you.

When you look in the mirror…

When you look in the mirror, what do you see? Do you see the real you, or what you have been conditioned to believe is you? The two are so, so different. One is an infinite consciousness capable of being and creating whatever it chooses, the other is an illusion imprisoned by its own perceived and programmed limitations.
~David Icke


I am determined to be the real me.  Happy Wisdom Wednesday!

Keeping My Word in a Taco Bell Parking Lot

It is after 11:00 PM.  I have had a very full day and just got out of a seminar.  In order to complete my writing agreement before midnight, I am sitting in a parking lot at a Taco Bell, composing this post on my phone.  I have 15 minutes to complete my agreement for the day and was struggling to come up with an idea for a quick post after a long day.  It then occurred to me that when I am determined to keep my word, I can find a way to do just about anything.  So I will complete this post and then drive home… After I have a taco or two.

Little Me

A relative sent me this picture of myself, taken well over forty years ago.  I had never seen it before, but I felt it really captured the essence of me.  I had the strange sensation that I was looking at somebody else… somebody that I knew very well… not exactly me.  The best part was that it made me smile and I realize that at nearly fifty, I actually like myself.  It was a long road, but I got there.  ScanImage010

Stormy Monday (Phoneography and Non-SLR Digital Devices Photo Challenge)

Stormy Monday (Phoneography and Non-SLR Digital Devices Photo Challenge)

It is actually quite sunny here today. This was taken last week with my iPhone 5S, using the Noir filter. Phoneography and Non-SLR Digital Devices Photo Challenge, Week 3: Black & White. I liked the gradation in value from the light sky above and the dark pavement below, as well as the transition from the painterly quality at the top to the stark line at the bottom.

Organization Therapy

I have had a difficult time composing a post today.  My week has been unbalanced, if not completely chaotic.  My schedule, including my sleep, has been all out of whack.  And I have generally felt “out of it.”

As I sat down to the computer, my thoughts were all over the place.  Then it occurred to me to write about what I am doing to combat my scatterbrained condition this week.  Because I wasn’t being productive in ways that I wanted to be, I decided to tackle the problem by addressing my feelings of disorganization.  The best way for me to do this is to organize things.

I cleaned out my wallet, being sure I had recorded any receipts I found in Quicken.  Then I worked on my inbox (which I have to admit is atrocious).  I hit unsubscribe on a few of the auto-responder emails I get but don’t really read.  Then I dealt with the important email messages from the past few days, and I trashed all the junk mail for the past few weeks.  When I was tired of dealing with the mental clutter of money and paper, I moved to the fridge.

I have been working on losing weight, and I have been stuck.  I had the thought that I should quit trying so hard.  I have been exercising an hour or more per day.  This may not sound like such a big deal but it’s pretty significant considering I have only been able to walk since mid-January.  Today I decided I would declutter the refrigerator as a way of clearing some of the negative energy around the whole weight loss thing.

I threw out all the leftovers (especially the fuzzy ones).  I checked expiration dates on everything and tossed all the old stuff.  Then I went shopping and bought the ingredients for Gazpacho (one of my dad’s favorites, that I still make on Father’s Day even though he’s gone), and all the things I love and are good for me.  My focus was on being inclusive rather than on depriving myself.

I completed a task that didn’t need to be completed until next Thursday… just in case next week is like this one.  I took my time, did it with excellence, and double checked my work.  Yes, I neglected some other things to get it done, but it was one of those “important” things that I did not want to become “urgent” later.

Toward the end of the day, someone else did something that interfered with my schedule (to the tune of about 2 1/2 hours).  At first I was quite perturbed, but because I had accomplished so many other things today, things worked out just fine.  It will probably take me the rest of the weekend to get back on track.  And that’s okay.  For now, I am going to get a good night’s sleep (I hope).

Success is…

Success is doing what you want, where you want, with whom you want, as much as you want.
~Tony Robbins

This does not mean you never have to do anything you don’t want to do.  However, if you do what needs to be done, when it needs to be done, I believe the freedom Tony Robbins is talking about will be yours.  This sovereignty over my life is what I am working toward.  And I am getting closer every day.  Happy Wisdom Wednesday!