I have avoided publishing this post for many reasons, but I have decided to do it now because I simply have to get it off my chest. Since my accident back in November, I have struggled with Acute Anxiety Disorder, nightmares, and was recently diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and depression.
Of course, this is not who I am, but it has certainly touched everything in my life. I have to honestly admit that I was judgmental of the people in a trauma class I took. Many of them had been injured many years ago and are still struggling with the aftermath. Now that I have experienced a few setbacks, I understand.
PTSD symptoms can rear their ugly heads when you least expect it. My psychiatrist explained that the disorder improves in a saw tooth fashion — you make some improvement, then have a setback, followed by more improvement. The hope is that you are always moving a little farther ahead.
As I write this post, I am in the middle of a setback. I am unable to sleep well or eat much. Because I cannot sleep, I am exhausted during the day and often have to lie down — sometimes for hours. I have a constant feeling of general uneasiness, like butterflies in my stomach. Sometimes I have tremors. Things that I have to deal with emotionally are exponentially harder to handle. I cry a lot, often at inopportune times. Sometimes, I am gripped by fear in irrational ways. What keeps me going, is the support I have had from loved ones and knowing that if I wait out the storm, it always gets better.
Incidentally, blogging has been therapeutic for me. Being able to talk about what I am going through has aided my recovery. I was surprised when I posted The Dark Side, what a positive response I got. I realized it was because telling the truth, instead of pretending everything is okay, often connects people who have had similar experiences and benefits us both. I know that most of my future posts will generally be more positive than this one, and I needed to tell my truth. If you have any experiences you’d like to share, I’d like to hear them.